Thoughts from the Curb

Dec 15, 2008 - Not-Really-A-Car Review: The Endor Express

My girlfriend and I wanted to take a quick, exotic Christmas vacation, so we decided to visit the exotic forest moon of Endor. We booked passage on the Endor Express...what a mistake.

Things were strange from the very beginning. The boarding process was easy enough, but it oddly took us through a series of grimy service bays. I guess the terminal's under construction. The Endor Express utilizes the Starspeeder 3000, a small spacecraft that resembles a Chevy Lumina van.

Packed uncomfortably into this box, we discovered it was piloted by an RX pilot droid on its first journey and we could tell. He immediately got us lost in the spaceport and there were numerous close calls with machinery. It was terrifying. When we finally got to hyperspeed -- quite incredible, actually -- that robot jackass passed the Endor moon and sent us into a gigantic comet fragment. Yes, INTO a comet.

But that wasn't the worse part. Upon miraculously exiting the comet in one piece, an Imperial battle cruiser was gracious enough to lock onto us with a tractor beam presumably to bring our battered vessel in for repairs. Shockingly, the pilot allied with a fleet of Rebel scum fighters who broke us free from the beam. I can't imagine that the Endor Express would appreciate its pilot and navigator (who resembled a garbage can) actively participating in an assault against our Imperial government (long live the Emperor). We were actually there as they destroyed the not-yet-completed Peace Star we've been told about on the Galactic News Network. Those poor independent construction contractors. Oh the alien/humanity.

After that harrowing experience, the pilot jumped to hyperspeed and took us away ... back to the spaceport! After all that, we didn't even get to see Endor. What a gyp. I immediately demanded my money back, but all I got was a confused guy in an orange jumpsuit who said "the exit's this way, sir." What a horrible experience. Until they find some other way to visit those adorable little Ewoks, I simply cannot recommend the Endor Express.

-James Riswick

9:21 am | Categories: not-really-a-car reviews Permalink | Alert Administrator

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