Thoughts from the Curb

Feb 3, 2009 - Indiana Infested With Raptors, Signs Urge Caution

My home state of Indiana has apparently been infested with angry, tiny dinosaurs. Wayne Knight had better not visit Carmel any time soon. Of course, it is possible that Chris Bosh and Jermaine O'Neal are ahead, but they're far less likely to eat you.

-James Riswick

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Jan 28, 2009 - Scenes from the Curb: Commuter of the Day

Black Mercedes.
Yankees license plate.
Clearly short.
Slicked-back hair (practically liquified).
Suspenders.
Pink tie.

I'll let you call it. Is he...
A) Biggest Douche in the Universe
B) Most Stereotypical New Yorker in the Universe
C) Those Terms are Synonymous

-James Riswick

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Jan 23, 2009 - Scenes from the Curb: My Stalker

This is the scene presently down in the Edmunds garage. The Mazda 3 on the right is my girlfriend's and I've been driving it recently since she busted her right ankle on a flying trapeeze (seriously) and consequently cannot drive. I can "unplug" my Z3 to save the battery, so I figured I'd drive the 3 to keep it alive (its automatic transmission in traffic certainly has nothing to do with it).

The car on the left is Mike Magrath's new wheels, which he leased three weeks ago from the exact same dealer we got our 3. Although his is a Touring (versus Grand Touring) and two years newer, they are pretty much identical. This is after Magrath moved into the apartment building next door to me and into an identically numbered apartment unit, while sharing the last four digits of my phone number. Copy Editor Doug Lloyd often says Magrath speaks with a Canadian accent.

If he buys the complete James Bond DVD set and starts wearing a Toronto Blue Jays jersey around the office, I'm hiring a 6'5", 280-pound Uzbek body builder to protect me. This is just too damn creepy.

-James Riswick

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Jan 8, 2009 - Scenes from the Curb: 2009 Chevrolet PortoLet

This was taken at our test track (aka California Speedway's drag strip).

We all knew GM was in the toilet, but who knew they were making them???

-James Riswick

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Dec 8, 2008 - Scenes from the Internet: Somebody Hand Me a Shotgun

This is hardly news, but it is just so offensive, I couldn't let it go without commenting about it here on Thoughts. When Magrath (or Kurt Niebuhr, I don't remember) sent me this, my loud vocal responses of revulsion filled the office.

"Are you OK Riswick?" someone asked. I wasn't, not when the world allows such atrocities to happen. I don't even particularly like the Veyron, but this is just wrong. Not quite drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa wrong, but a crime nonetheless.

This hideous $1-million-plus abomination is brought to you by fashion something or other Bathing Ape. They also brought us this.

I just threw up in my mouth. I really hope Rolls-Royce has more self respect than to aid in this insult to Frederick Rolls, Charles Royce, the Spirit of Ecstacy, the United Kingdom and Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

Somebody hand me a shotgun, somebody's got to take these idiots out before they spoil something else.

-James Riswick

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Nov 17, 2008 - Scenes from the Curb: Ugly Cars in Korea

I'm back from my Alias-like journey from L.A. to Korea to L.A. to Cancun and back to L.A. With the Los Angeles Auto Show media days on Wednesday and Thursday, plus the 2010 Mazda 3 event I'm going to tomorrow, there's going to be plenty of news and thoughts coming in the next few days.

So before that happens, I thought I'd share some of the pics I took in Korea. Most of my thoughts can be found in my blog from there, but as I mentioned in my 2010 Kia Soul first drive, Korea is mostly a sea of grey and black ho-hum, non-descript cars. However, some of their lesser known brands like Ssangyong have the knack of making some truly hideous vehicles. Case in point these two barf bags: the Ssangyong Actyon and the Ssangyong Rodius. Since R&T's Mike Monticello and I ditched the chaparone car, we got into the Gwangju airport early enough to spend a good 10 minutes snapping pictures of these hideous things. Fun times.

The first drew the small press pool's attention for its passing resemblance to the BMW X6 from the rear. After I assured them that the Actyon actually came before the X6, BMW's weirdo coupeish SUV thing suddenly lost even more stock. I noted that it boosted its logo from Starfleet.

And then there's the Rodius, which I believe was voted ugliest car in the world by CAR readers a few years back. This thing looks awful from every direction, with terrible bloated proportions. It doesn't get much worse than this.

- James Riswick

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Nov 10, 2008 - Scenes from the Curb: When times get tough...

The current economic situation has got everyone looking a little closer at their finances, and we're no exception. I've converted my stove to run off of burning Starbucks cups. James Riswick has decided to pinch-pennies where personal grooming is concerned and has adopted the Magnum moustache full-time. Even Chief Road Test Editor Chris Walton (pictured) is not immune having recently laid-off his full-time umbrella girl.

-Mike Magrath

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Oct 31, 2008 - Scenes from the Curb: Happy Halloween!

Spooky!

-JR

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Oct 30, 2008 - Scenes from the Curb: Quick, Who Makes This Car?

Quick, who makes this car? I just can't tell. With only two emblems it's a complete and total mystery as to which manufacturer produces this car. Perhaps if it would look like this, then I'd have a clue.

Oooooh. It's a Mercedes. Now I get it. Awesome car, man, very fancy.

Don't be a tool. Don't do this to your car. 

-James Riswick

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Oct 24, 2008 - Scenes from the Curb: Are You Smarter Than This Raiders Fan?

Occasionally on Adam Carolla's radio show they'll do a bit called "Are you smarter than a Raiders fan?" where they ask trivia questions to Raiders fans and callers guess if the fan got it right. They usually don't. With apologies to Edmunds editorial top dog Kevin Smith, Raiders fans are a special breed, and by special I mean often times scary and borderline retarded.

Case in point. I was at the sports book bar and lounge at the Palazzo in Las Vegas recently watching the Colts-Vikings game (there were numerous other games showing on the other screens). The only loud, annoying person there shouting out unintelligent dross was sure enough the only Raiders fan there -- and his game wasn't even on yet. He didn't seem drunk and yet turned around at one point during half time and said repeatedly to me, "Colts second half. Yeah?" Um, sure, buddy. That's not really a question or a statement or a sentence for that matter. The Colts did come back in the second half, though, so what he lacked in coherence, he made up for in clairvoyance.

I'm sure his car looks something like this.

-James Riswick

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